Monday, July 26, 2010

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned.

A horrible yesterday led to a horrible last night. Which led to me feeling sorry for myself..for really unnecessary reasons.

First of all, the rest of the chorus didn't show up to get measured. I got about 4 out of the remaining 12...these chitlins hate me. I rode my bike back, (which didn't take as long as usual because I found a shortcut) went upstairs where I then stripped down to my skivvies and tried to relax. I then took the coldest shower imaginable and got ready for my kind of-sort of date. I get all ready and looking cute when the date calls me. His brother came by unexpected-like to help him finish moving into his new place.

sdghehqei...there went my awesome evening with an awesome fella. This gave me too much time to sit around thinking. Thinking about how sucky it is that I can't afford CMU anymore and I won't be starting class until almost a month after all my friends. I was feeling lonely and pathetic and freaking out because I don't know where I'll be living for those 2 weeks in between leases.

Also, my lack of a job is getting old pretty quick. Sometimes I feel like giving up because it's like my countless job applications are a waste of time. It's not good for me to have nothing to do for long periods of time...I think too much.

I called the best friend; she was on a date. Made me feel even better. Called my mom because frankly, she always makes me feel better and we can talk for hours about mindless things. She was asleep. I facebooked a bit, but that gets old in five minutes. So I signed off and listened to Ryan Star. I tell ya...he is the cheese to my emotional macaroni..whatever that means. Anytime I feel blue, I listen to his music, and it just makes me feel...good for a lack of a better word.

And it isn't purely his music. About a year ago, he performed at the college and I got to meet him afterward. I was a huge HUGE fan of his from Rockstar:Supernova and followed him after that. I seriously talked to him and his band for a good 45 minutes after the show; It was amazing! Well, after that show, I was dumped, told I wasn't the "marrying type" and ripped of any dignity I had. I fell into a deep depression with many things going on in my life that I couldn't handle. I listened to nothing but RStar and I was able to let go. I was able to Breathe. After a few months, I sent his producer an email in hopes he would forward it to Ryan. He did and I received the most kind words from Ryan and it changed my life. It made me realize that nothing is too hard to get through. I sing his music at the top of my lungs and it changes everything. I feel so content.

I stopped worrying about CMU because ultimately, it wasn't what I really wanted. I realized that I was miserable and was only pursuing a degree for my father. I'm super jazzed to be going back to cosmetology and getting my life in order. And when I worry about not having a job at the moment, I sit and think about all those who are worse off than I am. People with families and are now living on the streets. Even though things get tough, I am truly blessed. And I appreciate everything and everyone in my life.